I was having what should have been a good day as a new parent. My partner took the night shift so I got to sleep in, I had a 2-1 start in my NFL pickem league, my wife and I were meeting our friends (who also have a newborn) for a walk, and later that night a different friend was delivering us a dinner that evening so we didn’t have to cook. So why was I about ready to go ballistic?
I was furious. I was sitting in the backseat of our SUV next to our screaming daughter and a whiny labradoodle. My wife was inside an antique store browsing after, get this, I suggested we stop. I thought it would be a nice gesture after she showed some interest in it on the way over to our friend’s place. As my wife walked into the shop, my daughter decided in that moment to test my patience by waking up and going postal with that scream that makes your ears ring. I ran through the tools at my disposal. Binky? Nope. Hold her with deep breathing? Nope. Poopy diaper? Nope. Sing? Hand on Chest? Eye contact? Talking? Nope nope nope. Nothing worked. It seemed the only thing that she needed, I didn’t have at my disposal. Breasts.
With my wife in the store, I figured I would just ride it out. And of course, that was a stupid decision. Time did tick by, but my frustrations grew by the second. I started thinking negative thoughts because I was in an escalating environment. I was annoyed. Annoyed with myself, I should make better decisions. Annoyed with my child, why aren’t you and I connecting more. Annoyed with my attitude, I should be happier, I should I should I should I should until I found myself wanting to scream, “Shut the fuck up! I know you’re hungry but your mom needs a 15 minute break.” I wanted to squeeze her, I wanted to punch the back of the seat in front of me, I wanted to yell…
Thoughts can influence our emotions but they don’t determine our actions. I don’t think anyone is a fan of really dark thoughts that creep into all of our heads from time to time. But for a period of time, a simple thought could throw me into a panic. Like those really scary thoughts about wanting to hurt others or that your going to lose the ones you love. But a thought is just that, a thought. It isn’t a behavior, the don’t automatically create action, and you aren’t destined to something just for thinking it. When we are fired up, we can pause and try to noticing thought patterns and acknowledging the existence of a thought. By separating yourself from it through observation, it can help let it/them pass. Headspace, a mediation app, describes this as letting it pass as if you are standing at a bus stop watching cars drive by you. One second it is there, the next it is replaced by a new one.
So there I as ripping myself to shreds over the decisions I had made (by this time my record in the pickem league had tanked), thinking about why we had a kid in the first place, and wanting to use the back of the seat as a punching back. I picked up the phone, and calmly said to my wife, “I need you to come back, please.” Two minutes later, she was holding our kid feeding her. I took a seat on a step outside of the car and did some SOS meditation on the Headspace app. Great end right? WRONG. I still felt down the rest of the day. It just happened to be one of those days. Even with all the good stuff, a few attempts to be grateful, and even more alone time that evening (gifted to me so graciously by my amazing wife), it didn’t improve my day or my attitude! But that’s ok. I woke up the next morning, so grateful that I had someone who was there for me, proud of how I responded in the car, and looking forward to another day with my child. I made my wife her favorite breakfast as a thank you for getting my back and a cup of coffee. Ready to tackle another day.
