Childhood experiences can leave deep imprints on our psyche, shaping our personalities and behaviors in ways we might not fully understand until much later in life. For me, one particular traumatic incident during my early years had a profound impact on my emotional well-being and self-confidence. In this blog post, I want to share my story of how a distressing event affected me, created a damaging feedback loop, and the steps I’m taking to break free from its grip and embrace a better version of myself.
The Trauma: At the tender age of 5, I experienced a traumatic incident that altered my perception of myself and the world around me. A teacher, for reasons unknown, publicly humiliated me by pulling my pants down in front of the entire school. Compounded by my underdeveloped motor skills as a lefty in the 90s, I struggled with seemingly simple tasks like tying my shoes or using a belt buckle correctly. This incident left me feeling vulnerable, afraid to defend myself, and lacking the courage to stand up for my rights.
The Feedback Loop: Years later, I sought therapy to address the emotional baggage from my childhood trauma. My therapist explained that humans often resort to historical coping mechanisms when faced with danger or survival situations. In my case, I developed a fake persona to mask my insecurities. I projected an outgoing and confident image while battling with self-doubt and feeling average on the inside. This internal struggle led me to say things that weren’t authentic, further perpetuating the feedback loop of emotional pain and insecurity.
The consequences of this feedback loop manifested in my life in various ways. For instance, I would brush off hurtful situations, like my dad not calling me on Father’s Day, with a nonchalant “I’m fine” when, deep down, it bothered me immensely. Additionally, at work, I hesitated to voice my concerns or assert myself until it was too late, resulting in stress, reduced productivity, and a constant feeling of being stuck in a rut.
Recognizing the destructive impact of this feedback loop was the first step towards healing. I took the courageous step of seeking therapy, where I could openly confront and discuss my childhood trauma. Moreover, I turned to stoic philosophy, which has proven to be a valuable source of grounding and wisdom for me. Its principles of temperance, courage, wisdom, and justice provide a holistic perspective on how to navigate life’s challenges.
The Journey Towards Healing: Breaking free from the clutches of childhood trauma and the self-sabotaging feedback loop is an ongoing process. I don’t claim to have entirely overcome it, but what matters is that I’m actively working on it. Acknowledging the need for help and taking steps to improve myself has been empowering and transformative.
