I didn’t get promoted? How could I have not gotten promoted? I was physically at a cabin on a weekend trip with friends but I wasn’t really there. Days earlier my boss said I wasn’t ready. How was I not ready? I was told that I was the future. What did I do wrong? I built everything. How could this have gone wrong?
I spent at least 70% of that weekend either crying alone in my room of the Airbnb or on the verge of panic attack. The other 30% was spent sleeping as it seemed the only way to calm my overactive mind. No alcohol because I feared I’d lose control and skipped all meals. Wasn’t hungry… I swear this was my midlife crisis.
I couldn’t stop analyzing. What did I do wrong? Where had I failed? I had founded a new team at a hyper-growth company. I was promoted to a manager position after showing my ability to think strategically, capacity for leadership, and demonstrated that my group was a value-add to the business. I spent the next couple of years growing the team, expanding it nationally, hiring peer leadership, partnering with VPs and Directors. The company’s growth started to outpace my experience, so I doubled down on books, advice, feedback, school. VP leadership thought it would be best to bring in a Sr Director above me to help centralize and scale the team internationally. I welcomed them, I could learn more through them and perform better in my region. I show them that I could be a right-hand man. I trained them, and deployed, on their behalf, new operations to help us continue to scale the team. I brought on more leaders, trained them, even had a peer manager reporting to me for a full year—everything was set for a promotion to become Senior. Even my leader told me that I was the future. Everything pointed to this promotion.
At my annual performance came and the communication was simple. Congratulations on a good year, you will be receiving a trivial increase in salary. Additionally, I would be losing half my team. “You’re not ready. I’m doing this for you. This is what’s best for you” [What in the actual fuck?] I was completely caught off guard and couldn’t reconcile what was going on. For a year I had been “ready” enough to have a manager reporting directly to me. I had been told I was the future. I couldn’t think, so I reacted. Poorly. I couldn’t help myself. “How are we recognizing on-par performers and promoting them in other parts of the business but not investing in me?” My boss snapped; I knew I had made a strategic error. Years of work, books, school, reviews, to develop a reputation and credibility, lost in a microsecond. The call ended, I walked home, tears streaming down my face. Later, it was announced that my boss had been promoted, and in that announcement, was celebrated for much of the work that I had performed in scaling and developing operations on their behalf. How could this have happened? Up until that moment, I had done everything “right” at work.
So, there I was at an Airbnb. I broke down. I sat in a room for much of the weekend crying and in a state of panic. The thoughts began to infiltrate other aspects of my life. The worry and anxiety I felt about not getting that promotion started to seep into my confidence in other areas. I began questioning the stability of my relationships, my successes, my decisions making, my friends… everything.
Control, as it turns out, is a fickle beast. It can create a false sense of security, making us believe we can always steer our lives exactly where we want them to go. But life, with its twists and turns, often reminds us otherwise.
I made it through the weekend, and the weeks after by talking with people I trusted. Leaning on my loved ones and asking for reassurance. Honestly, it took a long time to recover, but it was a wake-up call. I realized that allowing worries about one thing to bleed into others was not only unproductive but also unfair to myself. Each part of our lives deserves its own consideration and attention. Just because one area of life may be in a time of crisis it doesn’t mean the others are.
It’s crucial to strike a balance between ambition and acceptance. While we should continue to strive for our goals and work diligently, we must also acknowledge that not everything is within our control. Life’s unpredictability is what makes it both challenging and rewarding.
If you find yourself struggling with worries bleeding into other areas of your life, know that you’re not alone. It’s common and easy for the mind to wander in a panicked state. Reframe and try to focus back on only the area of challenge. Once you do this, you can embrace the lessons that come with the unexpected. Learn to let go of what you can’t control and focus your energy on what you can influence. If you do this enough, you will have a deeper sense of peace and resilience.
